Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm like, not good at living.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
