her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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