I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
