Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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