Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
