I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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