So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
