All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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