Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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