Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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