Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
