i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
