2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
