the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
