I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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