I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
