I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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