is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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