I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
