Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
