youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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