when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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