we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
