what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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