If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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