So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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