I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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