My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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