So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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