Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
