I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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