Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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