so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
