Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
