i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
