do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
