I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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