I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
