Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
