I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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