I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
