Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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