My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
