It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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