to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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