mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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