Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
