It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
