the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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