i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
