question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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