also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
