I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
