Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
