i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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