And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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I think weed is turning my hair brown
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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