In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
