As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
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When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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