There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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