Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
