do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
