Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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