my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
