i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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