She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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